When I left my oldest daughter's father, I knew that I would never allow another man to physically or psychologically abuse me again. The last time he hit me I was eight months pregnant with our child. When he knocked me to the ground, he put his foot on my neck and said, "You better not get back up." I admit it, I didn't break up with him that day (I wasn't ready) but I did see a ship burning. It took me the better of two months to break it off completely, but when I did it was over for good. Now the important thing to remember is that I didn't include to that list verbal abuse. Because at that time anything was better than being gripped up, popped up side the head and having my emotions, cares and concerns flung to the side like I was not important. So, I probably would have dated someone who was verbally abusive because one was better than all the others.
However, now I see that ALL types of abuse are wrong. In my opinion, there is not one any better than the other.
Then I met the man who is now my husband and he didn't do any of those things to me. He's never hit me he's never cursed at me, insulted me, or tried to damage my psyche in any way ---and I came to our relationship with baggage for days ---and a child.
But the thing to remember is that he knew this. He saw me a mile away (he's really quiet and observant) but he saw something in me. If you ask him he'll make a list. But all lists aside, we met on a spiritual level. I can explain it no other way. There will be no divorce for us but there will be death.
From being in a long term relationship with a man who knows how to cater to women. Knows how to talk to a woman, take care of his home and children, doesn't believe in "talking" with his hands and believes it is his responsibility to provide a safe place for his family to live, where each one will grow and thrive constantly, I know there is no other way to live.
Women for years have been too often rejected and made to feel like a subject to her man. She caters to him, and his children. Makes his house into a home. Iron out all of his wrinkles just to be told by him that she has become a thorn --in his ass. This is not the way a woman should be treated by anyone --including a black woman.
The story on my back is the story of a woman that I know very little of, but seem to understand more about the older I become. The power, truth and dynamic nature of woman. I won't go into details but I believe women are entitled to much more than they are truly able to understand. It is a privilege to walk around as a member of the greatest sex. Givers of life and love. But, this hasn't been reciprocated back to us from our lovers. And that's not fair.
Last week, I came across this list that I wish to share with you all especially black women. The reason I specifically said black woman is because I know many African American Women who have settled for less. Settling for less is the old way of doing things. No one has to settle for less than she is worth anymore. There is nothing more wrong with demanding more for yourself. A greater friend, a greater lover, a greater job, a greater peace. And be sure to define (in your mind) everything you want. And go for it, black woman. No one wants a man that is unwilling to provide for and protect his family. NO ONE! Get on board. If you have a boyfriend who you know in your heart is not taking care of your needs, get rid of him. He's dead weight and the only reason you are dealing with him is because you are also dead inside. Together the two of you are probably going to fail, and if you have any children by this man, their probably going to end up as statistics.
Now, I'm not going to ask you to leave immediately. In reality, unless our lives are in immediate danger, women will rarely just get up and leave. It takes time. I know. Somehow it all has to click in our minds. The shit clicks in some women faster than others. That's okay. We surpass those women in other areas. It is the way of the human being. You'll know when that time comes. In the meantime, I'd like to leave you all with this list of ENTITLEMENTS for every person but specifically for the African American female. This list was compiled by a woman name Khadija in the blog community I frequent.
Here is her blog: http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/
She is a powerful woman, dedicated to strengthening the spirit of black woman by any and all means and her list is just the beginning. Be sure to check her out, please. I've been fortunate to come to a better understanding of myself through some of the knowledge she's passing on. I've also felt a "call to action" type current running through me. And it's different than I've ever felt. She forces a shifting of priorities in an urgent way. I also know that a overcast has been lifted.
I am ENTITLED to an abundant life.
I am ENTITLED to do what works best for me.
It's good to be able to admit that you need help. It's BETTER to cultivate reciprocal relationships with people who will check in to see if you're okay, & offer help [without you having to ask].
I am ENTITLED to surround myself with people who actively have my back. I am ENTITLED to pull away from people who don't have my back.
My friends & I are entitled to vent to each other about problems. We are NOT entitled to endlessly vent about a problem without being willing to solve it. Dumping toxic emotions on a friend while being unwilling to work on one's problem in abusive.
Listen, if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. It's as simple as that.
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