I've been reaching for the stars since I was born. I can remember telling my grandfather, I was not always going to live such a hectic and hate filled life. I was about ten years old at the time. At this time, all I knew was abuse, neglect, and negative energy. I was born into a community where people were unable to fulfill my needs. Any of them. But that never stopped me from reaching for the stars and knowing I would hit one. I told me husband if I was to ever write my autobiography it would start off like this, "I always knew I was a part of something greater." Because although my parents were both addicted to drugs and partying, I never felt like I was truly apart of what was going on.
For the longest time, I felt like the stork dropped me off at the wrong house. I'm serious. Like he took the wrong turn or something like that. Because nothing made sense to me when I was growing up. Nothing. The fighting, the constant arguing, the drug use, the houses were lived in, the company my parents kept. Somehow, I knew it was ALL wrong.
Years later when I would ask my uncle Jimmy to tell me about myself as a child, he just said, "You always did what you wanted to do. There wasn't anything your mother or father could have done to change that. You just did what the fuck you wanted to do. You had no fear."
What everyone failed to notice is that I was already reaching for the stars, and believed I would hit one. And I can not tell you when I first started reading or writing, but I did. In fact, the local library became my sanctuary. And in between reading, writing and going to the library, I started lying. Creating these elaborate colorful stories about my mother and father. Two of the greatest stories I had ever made up had to do with my mother though. The first was about her being a model over in London. The second was that she died in a fire. (There is a thin line between love and hate, and I walk it, in regards to how I feel about my parents -especially my mother). I don't pretend not to. Especially now that I am grown with my own children. Because I am a writer. I think a lot. And I have to keep my children informed of what is going on in my mind especially my daughters.
And the thing about breaking free and reaching for the stars is that you never stop. After I was taken away from my parents, I was placed into some horrible shelters, group homes, boarding schools, and mental facilities. Places that should be shut down or flushed out and replaced with a better system. It's sad when a child leaves a parent who is abusive and goes into a SYSTEM of abuse. Because what happens is that once a child is removed from their parents and placed into a home, or shelter they immediately are labeled with something. Anything they do is used against them. And that is NOT fair. When you take a child away from one environment and place them into a totally different environment there should be a system in place that helps the child. But that is really not the case.
And I noticed that. So what I started to do was call and harass my social workers when the living conditions resembled that of my own home. If I was placed into a shelter where I was being verbally abused by the counselors, I would run away. I showed up at the doors of 1515 Arch Street (Department of Human Services) so much the guards started to know my name. If my foster mother treated her biological better than she treated me, I would run away. Any ill treatment, cruelty, criticism, or harsh language would cause me to run-away. I just would not tolerate it. I didn't know what I was looking for -exactly but I knew I would recognize it. The first person to listen to me was Mr. Peter Zimmerman. He sat down and asked me if he found me "suitable" places would I be willing to deal with some of the young ignorant counselors. I told him I would, and he placed me in a group home in Horsham, Pa. And although I had to deal with some bull-shit, it was in the realm of what I was looking for, so I dealt with it.
But the point is I never stopped reaching for the stars. I believed things would get "better." And they did, eventually. I have a lot of people I have to thank when it all boils down though. Like the family court judge who listened to me when I was 15 years old and my mother was in the process of getting her children back. He asked ME if I wanted to be reunited with my mother at that time (because the goal for us was always to be returned back to my mother) and I told him no. I remember everybody in the room turning around looking at me, because it's rare that a child doesn't want to be reunited back with their parents. It happens, but it's rare. However, he respected me, and took my name off the list. I was the only sibling who never went back to live with my mother.
With a past like mines, you go through a lot of different emotions. Even now that I am older, and haven't been a part of something dysfunctional in years, I still have to keep reaching for what I saw as a child. For the most part though, I have to admit I have struck gold. Emotionally, I am wealthy. Mentally, I am rich. My children know nothing of the way I grew up except my oldest daughter who can barely remember. See, I was 16 years old when I gave birth to her. She's 12 years old now, plays the cello, is on her school's cross-country track team, receives all A's. While all of that is commendable, the most important thing for me is I BROKE THE CYCLE OF ABUSE.
Keep reaching for the stars, you'll hit one. Shit, you may hit them all.
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