Misfortunes & Suicides

I've had the misfortune of watching some of the world's most brightest, passionate youth wither away and die before the age of fifteen. I've seen young boys cry, and young ladies curse the day they were born. I once went to the funeral of a friend who took her own life by committing suicide. Her name was Sophia. I cried for her as her body lay in the casket and questions floated all throughout the air about the reason a twelve year old girl would hang herself in order to escape a life of pain.

As I think back to that day I see that many of us (especially the adults in attendance) were all too aware of what makes a person cross that line from dealing with a life of pain to ending that life. There are more of us that understand the effects of living a less than suitable life. That's why we grieve for the children and families in third world countries. At least, some of us do. Somehow their pain and misery becomes mines from the moment I know their story. It always happens this way for me, that is why I think there are many people understood why Sophia decided to end her life. I did. I wasn't angry or upset that she would make such a decision.

She hung herself with a sheet from the ceiling in her bedroom. My guess is that she kicked the chair away and embraced her death differently than most folks do. She had no desire to live any longer. She was not running around tying up any loose ends, pleading for forgiveness. Maybe she had already done all of these things before that day, who knows?

I got the call about her suicide about 8:00 p.m. one evening and was really surprised. She had no suicidal tendencies. And we had not seen one other in about a year. The last time we hung out was when her mother's house had been robbed, and during a scuffle with one of the perpetrators her mother had gotten shot several times. Once in the eye. Sophia called me one day when I was living with my father and asked me to meet her downtown so we could go visit her mother in the hospital. And I did. We met up a few blocks from the hospital. While we were visiting her mother took off her bandage to show us the eye she had been shot in. She had no eye ball. I remember thinking if I looked far enough into her socket, I would be able to see into her body. It didn't happen. We visited her mother for about a hour and then left. That was the last time I saw Sophia. We lost touch after that. Two young ladies trying to survive in a world which treated us like we were not valuable. Somehow when you are born into certain kind of home or community you are despised by people who have never met you. They know nothing about you and already they hate you. I'm sorry we were not brought up in homes with harmony, communication and peace. I apologize that we most of us will not be able to contribute to our society. It's not what we wanted.

I'm sure Sophia knows all of this. I'm certain she tried to come up with different reasons not to take her life. Children grow up wanting to be a lot of things. They grow up free and believing, and then life sets in and it hardens the best of us. I don't know of too many people who grow up wanted to commit suicide. I know because I've watched some of the toughest guys in my group home lost their marbles when one of their parents failed to show up for a visit. Have you ever seen a sixteen year old boy cry? Have you ever seen him hold back tears until it was no longer possible and then wail out loud to the skies. I have. I watched pain touch the lives of many children. Many of whom have never been able to navigate their own lives so that it could turn out the way they desired. They got lost, or they lost hope. Either way they were never able to find a way out. I dedicate this blog to those. I dedicate this blog to Sophia, who was a beautiful dark-skinned young lady, with a incredible smile. She was very easy going and dated Donte' most of the time she was at Carson Valley. I am fortunate to have been her friend, and know her when very few people wanted to. I am fortunate to know that she had not chosen her own childhood, she didn't vote for those parents. I am fortunate to have known of her history, therefore she is not just a statistic to me. She was a person, she was a friend, and she liked to laugh, which is one of the reasons she dated Donte'. He was hilarious. Sophia was even loved during the time I knew her because I loved her. I loved her therefore she existed. She died therefore she lived. She took her own life therefore she was in pain.

I wonder if she ever knew the meaning of her name was Wisdom.