There Are No Bad Children

It took me the better part of twenty years to discover that there are no bad children. Ever since I can remember people have called me "bad." But that was not the case, and I'll tell you what they failed to understand about children.


Those of us who are dedicated parents begin showing affection and a kind of tenderness to our fetus/child the moment we find out that we are with pregnant. The parent's of a child who has been abused and neglected does not receive the same treatment. Most of them are not even wanted by the biological parents at the time of conception. Those of us who shows this affection and tenderness to our unborn children begin to get serious and even excited about bringing another person into the world. We start a process of decompressing and relaxation. Nothing else mattered to us before this moment. Life was to be taken for granted. But, no Longer. Well for the parents of that neglected child, this pregnancy is unwanted. And the parents most likely will regret this child. The mother will carry these feelings on to her child. And so will the father. On the other hand, we have the parents of that fetus who are excited, already making FUTURE plans for the baby. They start educating themselves on children and families and methods of discipline and philosophies of parenting and breastfeeding and vaccinations, etc. The parents of that unwanted child does NONE of that. They may keep up with the ob/gyn appointments. They may take the prenatal vitamins. All of this is really up in the air. A baby will be born to both of these couples. They will deliver these babies, take them homes, and then begin the process of raising a child.

Now let's take a peek at what happens when the child is taken home into the environment where he will be brought up and raised in, not only his parents and extended family but those in the surrounding community as well.

Baby A will be the child whose parents regret his presence. They are dealing with the birth but are not happy about it. There is no excitement, no tender warm feelings towards this new person. They argue and fight about the baby. They curse and yell at each other. Neither person has a steady decent income. Neither has a great deal of help or support from others. Whatever they do receive is scraps. There are no dreams, hopes or future plans. Just living.

Baby B will be the child whose parents did the research, they did feel warm, they were excited about being challenged, and felt honored to be able to bring another child into this world. They play games togethr, and sat up late nights planning their future together. Dreams and laughs were shared, and fears were acknowledged and dealt with together. A new stronger pact was forged between the two parents.


Now, this alone is just enough to start a baby who has no sense of understanding whatsoever off on the wrong foot, or the right foot.

Baby A goes home and when he cries, he is ignored most of the time. When he is picked up he is yanked by the arm. People yell at Baby A, people pinch him, they provoke him. He isn't dealt with gently. He is left alone for long periods of time, unsupervised, attacked. He is thrown around, he is pushed around, and he is yelled at. He sees fights and hears arguing. He hears gun, he hears screams, he hears loud music, he normally cries himself to sleep. He is rarely given a fresh clean diaper, he receives numerous diaper rashes, he survives on a diet of potato chips and candy, he isn't read to, he isn't played with, he isn't talked to or communicated with. He isn't constantly held and stroked and caressed and rubbed and embraced and cuddled and hugged, held close and appreciated. His cries and pleads go largely ignored. He has no value. He has no worth, he has no significance, and he has no usefulness. This is also consistent with how he is viewed by his extended family members and other people in his community. He shouldn't be here but he will be tolerated. He was not lucky, he was not fortunate.

Baby B goes home in the arms of those two loving parents. He is visited by close friends and family who have awaited his arrival, and are excited to finally meet him. They bring him presents and he is passed around from one loving adult to the next. His arrival causes others to think about getting married and creating a family. He is picked up when he cries. People talk to him, people play with him, and they are gentle with him. He isn't left alone, someone is always close by. He is exposed to jazz, classical, electronica, new age and hip hop. He hears discussions and debates. He is read books, he is sung to, he is taken on long walks, and he is taken on short rides. His diaper is changed upon being soiled; his body is wiped down upon getting dirty. His has a balanced diet. People stroke him, people caress him, people embrace him, people hug him, and people show themselves worthy. He is valued, he is respected, he is catered to, he is loved, he is understood, he is useful, he is supported, he is provided for, and he is significant. People are glad he's here.

Now this treatment of Baby A and Baby B goes on until they are ten years old. Nothing changes except they grow older. Their bodies change. Their minds are developing.

Baby A is unleashed on the world. He learns to fend for himself, he doesn't trust anyone. He isn't happy and confident. He isn't made to feel special. He isn't liked by the community. He begins to fight, and be aggressive. He learns to hate.

Baby B is prepared for the world. He is taken care of. He grows up trusting others, and believing in others. He's happy and confident. He feels special and valuable. Like his life is worth something. His community appreciates him. He learns to fight with his mind, and be assertive. He learns to love.

All of this is just preparation for the two boys. They have no idea about our society, they are not aware of any pre-existing problems. But both of these little boys are being groomed for the future, one just better than the other. Preparation beforehand is key, and then the first six years in a child's life are probably the most important. I think by the time a child is ten years old, his path is pretty much set with the exception of life's curves. But what he has been fed for those first ten years will forever remain with that child. IT IS ALL HE KNOWS.

One of these babies' is going to succeed just on the parent's preparation and upbringing alone. There have probably been a thousand different scientific studies done that would explain why one baby is more likely to succeed in life than the others. But even without the test, our understanding of nature, climates, and environment tells us that one of these conditions WAS emotionally, verbally, and psychologically better than the other.

This is just a brief overview of what happens to the abused and neglected child, and why he isn't "bad." He is a lot of things but bad isn't one of them. He IS damaged and bruised. He IS likely to fail. He IS likely to bring his children up in the same exact same (or even worse) conditions than he himself was raised in.

Now for the sake of argument, I haven't added many other elements (like drugs and alcohol) to this story because I didn't want to take away from the importance of understanding how certain upbringings automatically disqualifies a person from attaining a joyful peaceful deeply-rooted loving successful life.

I am not talking about the cycle of abuse. I am just sharing with you why I don't see a child as bad, and I realize that the majority of children from crime-filled environments, single parent homes where there was a great of neglect and different types of abuse going on is most likely to always fail.

Side Note* that is why I understand when a rapper or a drug dealer says something like, "it's all I know." Because IT IS ALL HE KNOWS and often times when love and care enters the picture, it is far too late for that person.