Understand This

I've noticed that since my mother have overcome her addictions that friends and family have this strange idea that I should get over it. Forgive my mother, and move on (especially since she does not like "dwelling" on the past.). Well, here is the problem -it's not just her past. Her decisions have directly affected the lives of all six of her offspring's. My siblings. And how the other five choose to deal with what happened to us as children is up to them.

I deal with things differently. I cry, scream, write, paint, process and talk. And I do it often in the confines of my own home, at least every three or four months now. There was a time when I was dealing with my issues of abuse and neglect at least twice a week, if not more. So, I don't just forgive and move on. That's not what I do. Period! And if my mother and I are to ever REALLY have some kind of relationship, she HAS to understand that about me.

There are a lot of people in my family who feel like I need to just get over shit. Just move on, Tasha. Your mother has gone through enough already. Guess what, FUCK YOU! I mean that in the most serious way possible. And the real fucked up thing is it has always been like this. When I was young people use to say "just forgive your mother." She was always protected by somebody. While I was robbed of my childhood, damn near starved and frozen to death, and forced to endure all kinds of sick behaviors from other people who as children were probably forced to also endure all kinds of sick shit. As a child, and then as a teenager, I was expected to just blow it off. That was an unrealistic expectation and it was also unfair. And if that is what people who are close to her expect me to do, it will never happen. I can't do it, and I should not be expected to try. Not when I am the one who was abused. I say what works for me, not her. I say what I deserve, not my mother or her friends. She had that chance and blew it. She was the first human I came in contact with. She could have broken the cycle, but she didn't. She stopped her drug habit. She was strong enough to do that. And if I am not able to truly build a relationship with my mother because of my need to talk about the past, so be it. I'll lay my head down on a pillow, and cry about that when the time comes. Or I'll keep writing until I push past it. But, I won't shut up because of what it's doing to her. Who the fuck is she? Is she more important than the babies she gave birth to? And then whose cribs she walked past whenever we were crying? Is she more important than her children whom she failed to protect when predators would prey upon us in our innocent youth? Oh, because she's no longer addicted to drugs and apologized we must all just move on? To be honest, I'm just throwing scenarios out there, I don't give a fuck about what her followers think or believe. I can not deal with my past like that.

For example, my father was also a dead beat in all of the same ways my mother was, BUT he acknowledges my angers. He has validated my pain. And we talk about his failure as a parent whenever I bring it up. Because when it is on my mind, it's never to belittle him or my mother. I just need them to know what I am feeling –at that time-about OUR past. And my father listens. I'm sure there are times when he doesn't want to think about his short comings but he understands this is what I must go through. That is why we are able to talk. And he has accepted that. If my mother doesn't than we will never move past where we are currently. She has my understanding and sympathy for what she was forced to endure as a child. I know what her mother did to her. I know about my grandfather. But beyond understanding, being sympathetic, and being sad for her, I feel very little. And if she is NOT able to understand where I am coming from, then that's where the sidewalk ends for the both of us. We can go no further. I'm also willing to accept whatever comes with it.

It took me many years to not only know what I was ENTITLED to as a person, but to also understand why I was ENTITLED to certain thing as a human.