I've heard a lot of people say that their children was their inspiration behind the drastic change in their personal lives. Whether it is developing better eating habits, becoming more disciplined, or something as simple as going green. I must admit, my children were not a factor in any of my changes. For example, I started seeing an psychiatrist because I knew I needed professional help, and if I didn't get any kind of one-on-one attention I was probably not going to be mentally strong enough to make responsible decisions in my future. I didn't want that for myself. I desired a different kind of life where people communicate and not constantly argue and fight with one another. It had Nothing to do with my daughter.
Speaking of which, I left my oldest daughter's father because I could not allow a man to continuously abuse me and beat on me as if I was his personal punching bag. And although I fought him back, that shit was for the birds. But I didn't leave him because of what she deserved. I didn't even think of her when it was time to move on.
My motives were always selfish.
I am bold enough to say admit to having purely selfish motives for almost everything. Of course, I know that when I make a change for the better or worse that my family and close friends will benefit from it, but that's hardly in my mind when I set about making a change. I want happiness. I yearn for peace. I desire a harmonious home and I make the necessary changes for myself. Any change causes a ripple effect, and the changes a person makes for the better or worse are no different.
However, my change in course will always remains selfish.
I believe more people should be selfish, especially women & mothers. I meet more stay at home mothers who complain about NOT being able to get a day to themselves...sad! They feel guilty if they go to the movie theater without their children. They are ashamed to admit that they left their kiddos in the house with their spouse when they are "caught" out alone. (Yes, I've met women who've admitted to being "caught" when they were somewhere without their children.)
I'm sure this is a bit extreme as well, but most people do not know that I have children until they are introduced to them. I am ALWAYS out alone.
It's rather sad and pitiful to not be able to take care of your own needs. To be so wrapped up IN another human being that you lose sight of yourself seems to be extreme and unfair to the soul. I know nothing of living like this.
8 comments:
I have gotten away from almost all of my friends because they were not good for me in one way or another.
My daughter is grown, so I don't have that to worry about.
My problem is kind of the opposite, I have all my time to myself. I don't mind spending time alone, finding myself, but sometimes it would be nice to enjoy the company a close friend or two.
When one spends week after week, month after month by themself it can get old. Kind of the opposite of not havng any time to yourself because of to many commitments.
I would like to spend time with someone that I love deeply just because I like spending time with them, and because I love them. Not because I am needy and I don't know how to meet my needs first.
somebodies friend,
i am going through something very similar, but i have joy in my life so i'm certain i'm doing the correct thing.
I need to ask for HIS guidance more often, I always know when I hear whatever it is HE has to tell me.
Earlier today I was anxious and afraid, tonight I am happy, joyous and free, and the only thing that is different is I opened up my heart and let God in.
God always knows what is best for me, and if I don't ask God which path to go down, I always choose the wrong one, always.
Whenever I am down and I open up my heart, my prayors are ALWAYS answered, ALWAYS!
I just need to remember that, that is my biggest problem, I like to drive the bus but I always seem to drive it right off the cliff!
somebodies friend,
I love this "I like to drive the bus but I always seem to drive it right off the cliff!"
you & me both.
Peace and blessings Destouet:
I believe that there is nothing blameworthy about being inspired or motivated by your children. My daughter has inspired me in many ways but not from a position of dependence upon her love or hers upon mine. I just look at it as the creators instrument or vehicle to my journey or return to him.
One truth, I've learned on my journey is that anyone or anything that demands you stop caring for yourself should be elimination --period. Asking an adult for what ever reason, to not take care of themselves is asking them to kill themselves. It took me much pain before realizing this. Black women, especially those of us who belong to an organized religion which emphasis gender roles that are confined to out dated verdicts are especially susceptible to such " die unto myself" ideology. We think becuase its steeped in religion, spirituality, ideology, motherhood, marriage, or career that its noble. What is noble about suffering? Is suffering the only one way to purify your heart and draw closer to the creator? Is suffering the only way to learn, to heal, and to attain wisdom?
I don't know about you but :I'm not down for killing myself...
sister seeking,
You're right, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that our children inspire us and that they are instruments to bring us closer to "the truth." I never looked at it from that angle.
Yes, my youngest son is two and I meet more die hard mothers than anything else. (I need to get out more, huh?) Seriously, I've met mothers who think that NOT being able to have a moment to yourself during the day is something to brag about.
I guess what it boils down to is, people should feel like it is their "right" to take a moment to themselves. There shouldn't be so many "permission slips" for people to fill out.
You're statement about suffering put a totally different spin on this issue. It was a brutally honest question.
Thank you.
"Yes, my youngest son is two and I meet more die hard mothers than anything else. (I need to get out more, huh?) Seriously, I've met mothers who think that NOT being able to have a moment to yourself during the day is something to brag about."
SS: LOL : ) This is exactly why I quit going to mothers groups and playgroups both black, white, religious, secular--you get my point. LOL : )
I knew something was up, when the "breastfeeding mob" showed up at my home the first week of my baby's life. They just all pulled out their boobs ( black, white, yellow) and went into a nursing mode. Now, don't get me wrong, I know women can do this stuff and not be looked at funny but that was little weird for me lol : ) I felt very bullied into breastfeeding and no matter how much I tried to explain that I couldn't do it becuase of wear my c-section was they were determined to put my breast in my daughters mouth! LOL : )
I've gotta little secret I'll share with you. When I meet women who tell me they are proud of being devoted to the point of death, that their two year old speaks four language, reads at a fifth grade level, and has memorized the whole bible. I tell my zygote named bob does too! LOL : ) I'm just waiting for my little Buddha to come out! LOL
Peace
P.S.-This picture on this post is really excellent...
There is nothing wrong with being selfish at all. While my kids have in many ways inspired me to make changes for the better, in many ways I am pretty selfish. My husband might even say too selfish but I always look out for #1 if that makes sense.
Motherhood is a beautiful thing but having a young child and an almost grown child, I will say its important to have your own identity. I remember almost feeling guily when at 6 weeks I left my daughter for an hour to get a pedicure. My friend who was watching my daughter reminded me that I still needed to take care of myself and it was true.
I think the key is balance, meeting your own needs and that of others. Like you I get scared when I hear of Mamas who feel guilty for taking an hour here or there...shoot, if you are a SAHM you need some time to yourself. If nothing else to hear your own thoughts.
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