I received that email I was expecting and just as I suspected I was emotionally bullied and totally misunderstood. Most people have no clue of the steps that are necessary in order to be freed from a life of misery and pain; this goes double for my family. I would share a excerpt from the email but who cares? I have to leave people with little vision alone so that they can get in contact with what they need to do in order to free themselves.
Freedom comes at a cost. It's different for each person, I know. What I must do to be liberated is not what they must do, and the real truth is that I have gotten this far without my family. What do I need to go through their shit for? There is NOTHING for me back there with them.
Dearest Universe,
Here I am a faithful servant with an ego and selfish needs. If I am taking the wrong road with my family, shed your wisdom upon me so that I can do better. There is a lot of pain and hurt in the hearts of my relatives. And it pains me to remain in close contact with them, so I decided to cut all ties until they seek professional help. I know it'll get easier as the years go by, but they don't think I can do it and that alone will remain my inspiration.
I have a writing career I must focus on and my family --who returns my love. My siblings and mothers are very selfish, spiteful people. I admit I was once that way but stone by stone I have built a different kind of life for myself. I am very proud of the changes I have made and I look forward to MANY more. I look forward to establishing myself as a writer, watching my children graduate from college, having grandchildren, returning back to Europe, and remaining partnered up with my husband until our flesh goes back to the earth. And our spirits linger, roam and are truly freed.
If there is something I am not seeing, shine your light on it. Because right now I will have nothing more to do with any of them. I am smiling as I say this because I would have never thought I was able to reach this level of maturity. I have loved them all, one in particular but I draw a line. It was you who have provided me with this strength and insight in the first place. It was you who demanded me to demand more from myself. I have done all that you asked. Is there anything else you need me to do in regards to my family or am I free to move on? I'll await your answer as I always do.
Your devoted servant,
Latasha
PS. How long did they expect me to wait?
4 comments:
Peace and blessings Beloved,
I know it sounds off the deep end or far fetched since we are confined to the screens of cyberspace but I hold you in my heart, praying for you, and asking the Master of the Universe to guide you and guard your heart as you find that he is near to you even into the last hour...
I celebrate your inner peace, and contentment to come--beyond your wildest dreams.
I believe that the Master of The Universe is the All-knowing, the All-wise, the All-hearing, and the All-seeing. I believed that guidance from the Master, the King of Mankind is above and beyond our total comprehension.
I used to believe that man had it within himself to solve every problem of our human condition--to perfect it with a presion so intense that it is divine itself. But life taught me through many ways that there are many times when you have done all that is humanly possible to be done, yet the problem or challenge remains--and some times it snow balls until it rolls over you... As a person who grew up firmly believing " if it is to be its up to me" I resisted that law of surrender not defeat but surrender--surrender to a higher authority who had the knowledge and power to dispose of my affairs.
I let go of them when my desire for emotional revenge left me. I don't how ,and I don't know why. It sounds very stupid, and uneducated to say: but I swear it was a mystery. When the Master of the Universe fulfilled that classic "what goes around comes around" humbling them, demoting them in rank, and degree it did not make feel any better. Seeing them humiliated, persecuted, or experience a series of misfortune didn't bring a single drop of peace to my heart. This when I knew that the pain was deep--it was beyond the quick fix of paxil and talk therapy; it was beyond the quick fix of some quick religious ceremony or practice; and it was beyond the quick fix of a journal entry! There was a time when I would of rejoiced in their misery, and delighted in their suffering but it had left me some way some how.
I let go of them when I outgrew my need for their approval, acceptance, affection, attention, and support. I let go of them becuase I had placed my self in a position where I had built a support system around me and no longer needed them--I was finally being loved unconditionally.
I let go of them when I realized that the condition for their approval was asking me to kill myself. Remember that rebelliousness I talked about? Here it comes again... Think about it beloved: when some one or something attacks you, your body's natural reaction is: fight or flight. Asking me to tolerate pro-longed abuse and than attempting to abuse my child was asking me to kill my self. I've learned that its just a matter of time before consequences of abuse manifest themselves: mental illness left untreated ends in suicide--that's death. Physical illnesses that ends is terminal diseases--that's death. Being beaten to death literally--that's death. Asking me to give up my pride, my worth, my dignity, my conscience, and my body so that some one can deficate on it so they feel good about themselves is asking me to kill my self. Deliberately mis-advising me, so that I can not function and manage my life is asking me to kill myself. Asking me accept oppression dressed up as religiosity, commitment, devotion, and honor is asking me to kill myself.
I want to live. I have so much to live for.
I hope and pray that you let go becuase you too have so much to live for.
Sister Seeking
P.S. They expect you wait until you're about to die at which point they jump in and stomp you to death becuase they are trying to kill you. : )
sister seeking,
Nothing you have shared sounds stupid, far fetched, or off the deep end. Each paragraph cut deep like a knife (life has been doing that to me for about a month now).
I can tell you know exactly what I am dealing with in regards to my family. In fact, you seem to know -all too well.
Yes, I am grieving inside because no matter what i do they will not love me. they do not appreciate me and i have always loved them.
it's funny you should mention g-d because i have really done all that I can do.
I am going to print out your response to me here and keep it taped up in my room for a few days, sister seeking.
I have been having a hard time with my family lately also.
I have tried everything I know how to muster up and I have been on an emotional rolercaoster ride. It has been very diffecult for me. One minute I'm falling apart and then I pray and ask for guidance and I am calm as can be.
I am trying my best to not dump my stuff on others, but every once in a while I have a moment and completely melt down. This comes from not knowing what God has in store for me and I am very scared.
I still live with my family and there was some things that happened that are extremely painful for me. I surrendered the pain to my higher power a couple of days ago, but I think I am in transistion. I am good most of the time but God must not be through with me yet because the emotional pain still comes back at times, and it isn't slow, it comes flooding back, uncontrolable.
I really love your post, it reminds me of my predicament very much. It is very inspirational, and I continue to revisit it when ever I feel like I can't go on. It calms me and allows me to focus on the task at hand.
Keep up the good work, I look forward to many more enlightening posts.
somebodies friend,
i have received an unbelievable amount of inspiration and support from people on the internet.
I'm glad to be able to pass it on. may you remain inspired in the mist of it all.
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