It's time for a change

As a child, I desired to live a life of peace and joy more than anything else in the world. My eyes would brighten at the sight of a father kissing his child on the cheek or at the sight of a mother holding her children hands as she walked with them to school on their very first day. Tears would creep into the corners of my eyes whenever I saw genuine displays of affection and witnessed tender touches between two individuals. I wanted to live that kind of life. Be involved in that kind of existence, more than anything else.

I remember it wasn't until I was about thirteen when I realized not all people communicated by arguing, disagreeing, yelling and screaming. It literally blew my mind. But more than that, it was intriguing and a mystery that I yearned to understand. The key to communication. The key to peace. The key to happiness. The key to living a life of tranquility and serenity.

I even marveled at adults who choose the sounds of jazz over the beats of hip-hop and R&B, and fell in love with Mr. Harvey Snyder, who was the first person to introduce me to classical music. It was his house, in Jenkintown, Pa. that I sat and observed my first Thanksgiving Dinner, and felt at home as his large family sat around a dining room table that easily seated ten people. I watched and participated in his family's jokes and their conversations. I could have sat and watched them eat, talk and laugh all evening long.

Peace for me has always been something internal. And even in my darkest hour, I strived towards it. Every arrow I threw was with the understanding that one day, I would be victorious.

And to be completely honest, I have no idea when it happened. One day I looked up and had raised two beautiful daughters, and a little boy. One day my daughter declared she loves getting up on the weekends and running into my room, and getting under the blanket with me (because my body is soooo warm). One day I was able to write poems and stories without a house filled with loud disturbing noises. One day I was able to find joy taking long walks in the rain and able to make a mistake without having it rubbed in my face. I was able to live and let live, as the old saying goes. I was able to have everything I put out reciprocated and let the necessary people off my bus without confrontation or getting ugly.

I've shared this with my family but it is time for me to come up with some other goals, because if I died today or tomorrow, I would be still and filled with joy. I would be satisfied with the choices and decisions I've made up until now. So, it's time for another set of goals. Something even greater and more mysterious than peace. How about being the absolute best person I can be? Getting rid of the rest of the negative, poisonious thinking I was conditioned to accept as a child once and for all?

I am a writer. A mask is not befitting of me. Any kind of toxic thoughts needs to be addressed immediately. This can be my new goal, because I have found an ocean of peace. A forest of joy and I have learned how to "fly high."