Celebrate Life

For far too long, I've been caught up in making improvements in every area of my life, but once I am successful, I immediately come up with another goal. Very rarely, have I've gotten to the top of a mountain and celebrated. Just jumped up and down, danced and sung to the tune of my success. I've decided that I am not going to do that anymore. In fact, I've decided that I am going to celebrate something about myself, every single day. I figure that if it's my life, my journey, my soul that is on the line, then I can throw a party for my choices, my seeds, my fruits and my joys everyday of the rest of my life.

As a human, I know whats it's like to be depressed, sad, angry, feel like a failure and consumed by the "blues". I also know exactly whats it's like to be in love, to give birth to life, to be consumed with joy and to find happiness in all of the small things many people take for granted. And since that is true for me, I have means to celebrate -much more than I allow myself to do.

And if I know life, the next hurdle is right around the corner. The next mountain in straight up ahead. They are not going anywhere. But in this moment, is victory.

As many demons as I wrestle with, I have beaten more than I currently wrestle with. As many strongholds I have yet to get rid of, I have watched millions fall to the waist side. I am a bad "Motha-Shut-Your-Mouth". To come through a childhood like mines and still be able to stand tall, shows the amount of work I put in. I am not bitter, still teachable, still open and receptive to all. Now if that is not reason enough to keep a smile on my face, and victory in my heart, it will never be enough.

If now is not the time to celebrate it will never be the time. I celebrate because I kick ass! I celebrate because I have freed myself. I celebrate because I have broken the chain. I celebrate because single-handedly I am the greatest person who ever existed -hands down. I celebrate because I am my own hero. I celebrate ME because I don't need a reason, and I know it.

Time to Crank It Up A Notch

One of my new goals is going to be, accepting more responsibility in my life. Poets and Writers have the tendency to really enjoy their solitude and I am no exception. But Saul Williams, one of my favorite poets and musicians, said something last year that stayed with me from the moment I read it. (I'm paraphrasing here) "how it is important for poets and writers to come out of their comfront zone and accept more responsibility for the world we live in." Not just sit alone in our homes, favorite coffee shop, or library and write but make more of an initiative to "get out" there. By "get out" there, I believe he was talking about cranking everything we do up a notch.

By nature, I am a writer, a thinker, and an analyzer. I am going to do everything my way, and fully accept whatever consequences that may come later. (One of the quotes I personally live by is, "I'd rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.") What I am NOT, by nature, is a housekeeper. Cleaning, scrubbing and making sure my home is tidy does not come natural to me. For the most part, I have NO idea where to start. And since I've lived most of my life without a mother figure, still am pretty clueless. But in this promise to myself to crank "life" up a notch, I have decided to become a better housekeeper in my own home.

And lo and behold, I wake up this morning and read Sister's Chi-Chi's post on Home is Where the Heart Is. Which is extremely true for me. However, just when I was about to ask her where did she start, she posted a link to Organization. (Almost as if she wrote this particular post with me in mind)It came complete with details and all. Yeah! I am on the "effin" ball here.

In addition to her beautiful post about her maintaining the castle her king and two little princes reside in, she also mentions something I am constantly battling (although it is not much of one any longer) in my home...television. I am NOT a television watcher. There isn't a program on the idiot box that entices me, except that new channel, LINK TV. But my husband claims to need his television. And he watches plenty of it too. We have one in our room, but I refused to get the cable box connected in our bedroom (which my mother-in-law brought for him last Christmas) so the only thing that he can watch on that one are DVD's. And sometimes he uses it to play his game box. But no live television.

However, he slips A LOT and allows the children to watch to much tv. Every time I turn around (especially on the weekend's) I have to direct the children to other activities. And since my mother-in-law moved in, I am now required to do the same with her television. One day I walked into her bedroom and my oldest daughter was watching, Chocolate News, the new program on Comedy Central.

I remember walking past her bedroom, hearing all kinds of foul language, opened the door to her bedroom, saw my oldest daughter sitting on the bed beside her, and I just stared at my daughter. Within a few seconds she just got up and left. (I'll admit, I also lost a great deal of respect for my mother-in-law that day). I walked into the living room where my daughter was sitting and asked her what that program was about. She said that she really didn't know, so I approached my mother-in-law and told her for the umpteenth time to stop allowing my children to watch programs with her.

It looks like the only way I am going to be able to control the situation with my children, is to permit them to only watch DVD's. I'll keep you updated on that.

As far as sounds, we only play new age, spa radio, classical music and jazz in our home. In my bedroom, I play a larger variety but never "raw" rap or baby making music like R-Kelly. I am a true believer in burning incense and candles. I also purify my home twice a month by burning sage. Around seven o clock in the evening, all noises including the music are normally powered off and we are making preparations for the next day.

My home is remarkably calm and peaceful. My children all run the halls playing tag, inviting me and my husband to picnics and tea parties, and whole body massages are a part of our weekly -if not daily- routine. I love touching the skin on my family and they just suck it up. There is no doubt, I've been blessed by the God's. But I can still kick everything up an entire notch -or two. And I am going to enjoy doing it. The first place I am going to start is in my home by keeping it much tidier, and focusing on keeping everything in its place. Thank you, Chi-Chi!

There ain't no shame, in this writer's game!

It's time for a change

As a child, I desired to live a life of peace and joy more than anything else in the world. My eyes would brighten at the sight of a father kissing his child on the cheek or at the sight of a mother holding her children hands as she walked with them to school on their very first day. Tears would creep into the corners of my eyes whenever I saw genuine displays of affection and witnessed tender touches between two individuals. I wanted to live that kind of life. Be involved in that kind of existence, more than anything else.

I remember it wasn't until I was about thirteen when I realized not all people communicated by arguing, disagreeing, yelling and screaming. It literally blew my mind. But more than that, it was intriguing and a mystery that I yearned to understand. The key to communication. The key to peace. The key to happiness. The key to living a life of tranquility and serenity.

I even marveled at adults who choose the sounds of jazz over the beats of hip-hop and R&B, and fell in love with Mr. Harvey Snyder, who was the first person to introduce me to classical music. It was his house, in Jenkintown, Pa. that I sat and observed my first Thanksgiving Dinner, and felt at home as his large family sat around a dining room table that easily seated ten people. I watched and participated in his family's jokes and their conversations. I could have sat and watched them eat, talk and laugh all evening long.

Peace for me has always been something internal. And even in my darkest hour, I strived towards it. Every arrow I threw was with the understanding that one day, I would be victorious.

And to be completely honest, I have no idea when it happened. One day I looked up and had raised two beautiful daughters, and a little boy. One day my daughter declared she loves getting up on the weekends and running into my room, and getting under the blanket with me (because my body is soooo warm). One day I was able to write poems and stories without a house filled with loud disturbing noises. One day I was able to find joy taking long walks in the rain and able to make a mistake without having it rubbed in my face. I was able to live and let live, as the old saying goes. I was able to have everything I put out reciprocated and let the necessary people off my bus without confrontation or getting ugly.

I've shared this with my family but it is time for me to come up with some other goals, because if I died today or tomorrow, I would be still and filled with joy. I would be satisfied with the choices and decisions I've made up until now. So, it's time for another set of goals. Something even greater and more mysterious than peace. How about being the absolute best person I can be? Getting rid of the rest of the negative, poisonious thinking I was conditioned to accept as a child once and for all?

I am a writer. A mask is not befitting of me. Any kind of toxic thoughts needs to be addressed immediately. This can be my new goal, because I have found an ocean of peace. A forest of joy and I have learned how to "fly high."

The Splints

Thursday I found out that I can run 3.5 miles in 48 minutes without stopping once. I must admit, I felt incredible that night and had difficulties falling asleep -I was sooo excited. So, the following day, I head off to the gym and figure that I am going to do the exact same thing. LOL! By the time I hit my 2nd mile I knew I was going to be plagued by shin splints. (See, I am familiar with shin splints. In May of 2000, I began to lose weight by running on the streets of Butzbach and experienced shin splints at that time. They were extremely painful because I made several attempts to run through the pain. In return, I was out of commission for several days. This time though, I am much wiser -or so I thought.)

As I said, when I hit that second mile I felt pains in my left leg shin but I ignored it. By the time I hit 2.3 miles, I was limping on the treadmill and had to push the red stop button. And to make things worse, not much has changed because when I got in the gym today and attempted to run, within the first five minutes on the treadmill, I was forced to end my session.

The thing is my goal does not afford me to lose sight of how important it is to take care of my body. My body is my friend. It is what I need to succeed and one or two days of ignoring what my friend is trying to convey to me, may lead to something really disastrous. I don't want that, so tomorrow I am going to walk my three miles around the neighborhood. Then Monday, I may be healthy enough to resume regular workout. I hope so anyway.

Me

To be honest, I don't know who I am anymore. So many small minuet changes have taken place in my life, in my mind and my spirit that it feels wrong to even discuss them in this post. November 4, 2008 I started running. I haven't missed a day yet, and January 1, 2009, I will begin the New Year running a 5-K race. If you had asked me about this last October, I would have laughed.

I don't know what is happening to me. I know that I'm changing, and the strongholds of yesterday are past. Everything is much more clearer to me, and suddenly my confidence have soared through the roof. I know that much of this has to do with the fact that I now have my power back. The power I continued to hand over to every guy who ever molested me by feeling much more comfortable overweight than fit. I know much of this also has to do with the conversation I had with Khadija, when she spoke the truth about a black woman's interior and how it does not match up with the way the look on the outside. That comment spoke volumes to me.

The last ten years have led me to this place where I control almost every aspect of my life and there are moments during the day when this feeling of joy is uncontrollable.