It's time for a change

As a child, I desired to live a life of peace and joy more than anything else in the world. My eyes would brighten at the sight of a father kissing his child on the cheek or at the sight of a mother holding her children hands as she walked with them to school on their very first day. Tears would creep into the corners of my eyes whenever I saw genuine displays of affection and witnessed tender touches between two individuals. I wanted to live that kind of life. Be involved in that kind of existence, more than anything else.

I remember it wasn't until I was about thirteen when I realized not all people communicated by arguing, disagreeing, yelling and screaming. It literally blew my mind. But more than that, it was intriguing and a mystery that I yearned to understand. The key to communication. The key to peace. The key to happiness. The key to living a life of tranquility and serenity.

I even marveled at adults who choose the sounds of jazz over the beats of hip-hop and R&B, and fell in love with Mr. Harvey Snyder, who was the first person to introduce me to classical music. It was his house, in Jenkintown, Pa. that I sat and observed my first Thanksgiving Dinner, and felt at home as his large family sat around a dining room table that easily seated ten people. I watched and participated in his family's jokes and their conversations. I could have sat and watched them eat, talk and laugh all evening long.

Peace for me has always been something internal. And even in my darkest hour, I strived towards it. Every arrow I threw was with the understanding that one day, I would be victorious.

And to be completely honest, I have no idea when it happened. One day I looked up and had raised two beautiful daughters, and a little boy. One day my daughter declared she loves getting up on the weekends and running into my room, and getting under the blanket with me (because my body is soooo warm). One day I was able to write poems and stories without a house filled with loud disturbing noises. One day I was able to find joy taking long walks in the rain and able to make a mistake without having it rubbed in my face. I was able to live and let live, as the old saying goes. I was able to have everything I put out reciprocated and let the necessary people off my bus without confrontation or getting ugly.

I've shared this with my family but it is time for me to come up with some other goals, because if I died today or tomorrow, I would be still and filled with joy. I would be satisfied with the choices and decisions I've made up until now. So, it's time for another set of goals. Something even greater and more mysterious than peace. How about being the absolute best person I can be? Getting rid of the rest of the negative, poisonious thinking I was conditioned to accept as a child once and for all?

I am a writer. A mask is not befitting of me. Any kind of toxic thoughts needs to be addressed immediately. This can be my new goal, because I have found an ocean of peace. A forest of joy and I have learned how to "fly high."

Changes

I've heard a lot of people say that their children was their inspiration behind the drastic change in their personal lives. Whether it is developing better eating habits, becoming more disciplined, or something as simple as going green. I must admit, my children were not a factor in any of my changes. For example, I started seeing an psychiatrist because I knew I needed professional help, and if I didn't get any kind of one-on-one attention I was probably not going to be mentally strong enough to make responsible decisions in my future. I didn't want that for myself. I desired a different kind of life where people communicate and not constantly argue and fight with one another. It had Nothing to do with my daughter.

Speaking of which, I left my oldest daughter's father because I could not allow a man to continuously abuse me and beat on me as if I was his personal punching bag. And although I fought him back, that shit was for the birds. But I didn't leave him because of what she deserved. I didn't even think of her when it was time to move on.

My motives were always selfish.

I am bold enough to say admit to having purely selfish motives for almost everything. Of course, I know that when I make a change for the better or worse that my family and close friends will benefit from it, but that's hardly in my mind when I set about making a change. I want happiness. I yearn for peace. I desire a harmonious home and I make the necessary changes for myself. Any change causes a ripple effect, and the changes a person makes for the better or worse are no different.

However, my change in course will always remains selfish.

I believe more people should be selfish, especially women & mothers. I meet more stay at home mothers who complain about NOT being able to get a day to themselves...sad! They feel guilty if they go to the movie theater without their children. They are ashamed to admit that they left their kiddos in the house with their spouse when they are "caught" out alone. (Yes, I've met women who've admitted to being "caught" when they were somewhere without their children.)

I'm sure this is a bit extreme as well, but most people do not know that I have children until they are introduced to them. I am ALWAYS out alone.

It's rather sad and pitiful to not be able to take care of your own needs. To be so wrapped up IN another human being that you lose sight of yourself seems to be extreme and unfair to the soul. I know nothing of living like this.